the funnist thing you will read this year if you love bikes!

Questions about bike hire abroad and everything light bike related. No off-topic chat please

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by currieinahurry


Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell

1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.

2. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's.

3. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks shall be white in colour with prominent logo placement.

4. Cycling shoes must be of white colour only!
Exceptions are:
-colours combinations such as world cup stripes in cases where title has been earned
-shoes which are custom-made by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall contain a high degree of Euro style.
-It is important to note red and yellow shoes are NOT ENDORSED by this group.

5. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn. When booties are worn, socks should protrude approximately 7 centimeters above the ankle, and shall always protrude at least 3cm from any booties worn.

6. Your bike frame must contain more than 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as they do combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also fit tastefully with your frame/fork.

7. Zipp's are to be used as training wheels ONLY. You shall race only on Lightweights and occasionally Bora's if no lightweights are accessible.

8. Ridiculously stylish eye wear is to be worn at all time without exception.

9. In most circumstances, hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit.

10. In several cases, it is deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet shall not be worn. Stylish sport eyewear shall be worn at all times while exercising this option.

11. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is banned,
the tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.

12. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken with the euro-rider wearing team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as puma's). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. The rider is expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophy.

13. The seat shall ALWAYS be white along with the handlebar tape, and must be made in Italy or France.
- Exceptions to this rule are seats or handlebar tape
containing the following colours: WorldCup Stripes,
Olympic Gold, Italian flag colour combo (green red

14. You shall not, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than €3000 in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.

15. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. In some cases, certain hair removal creams endorsed by succesful euro's are deemed to be acceptable.

16. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.

17. Facial hair will be restricted to a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED.
The only exception to the facial hair shall be SHORT sideburns--these are acceptable at the discretion of Cipo or a similar authority figure, on a case-by-case basis.

18. Ceramic bearings shall be used at all time on both training and race bikes.

19. Campagnolo shall be the only acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted.

20. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.

21. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.

22. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking).

23. You shall never rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.

24. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you shall ride up uncomfortably close to them and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves. (Which must be white)

25. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged in most instances. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey, special gloves will be made to match the colour of the jersey while blending the team kit colours simultaneously.

26. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm/head movements are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.

27. Training is based solely on feel while racing is be guided by sensations and instinct. A real Euro cyclist never gives in to scientific training methods.

28. Gearing is restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. One shall never be seen pedaling at a cadence over 90 in case it detracts from your calm/smooth factor. The use of 25t cog is acceptable in special training circumstances.

29. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to ones home country’s flag located on the top-tube within 10 cm seat-tube ON ONE SIDE ONLY.

30. Pedals MUST be either Speedplay, Time, or Look. No other pedals are to be considered and ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. If one is found possessing Shimano pedals, title of euro cyclist will be stripped immediately.

31. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all).

32. All pre and post-race activity will be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massage, interviews, and looking fantastic) leaving one in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up your enviable tanlines or pose for photo’s.

33. Post-race, you must be utterly tied to your mobile phone, making endless calls to your incredibly attractive euro-girlfriend or important executives from modelling agencies. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.

34. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of the bike.

35. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit, in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.

36. White bar tape shall be kept in pristine white condition and NEVER extend further than 3cm past the hoods (exception during spring classics, where standard bar tape wrapping is allowed). This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.

37. Motivational music during training MUST consist of Late 90s house and power ballads, or deep-trance hard-style German techno hereby known as euro beats. NO EXCEPTIONS.

38. Nothing short of a naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) will be used. The only exception is special edition 24k gold cages which can be preferable in some situations (such as photo shoots or prologues) where colour coordination is key (this is always). Ex. Gold Cage with Olympic Gold/white team kit.

39. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.

40. While soloing in for a victory, you will ensure your jersey is fully zipped and straight, so all title sponsors are clearly visible. You will then smile and flex arms while pointing skywards. The projection of ones fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

41. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor’s products, one shall appear either fully nude or in full Brioni 3 piece suits. Smiling is prohibited in these instances.

42. When riding, sans helmet, a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn (depending on the hairstyle). The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques WILL be worn at all time in place of caps.

43. When appearing in documentaries, you must be seen walking around the hotel in your kit at all times. It is also recommended that you constantly be eating something in front of the cameras.

44. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm and a rise of no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of aluminum, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours.

45. When asked "how are you?" while riding you must proceed with one of the following...
-Complain about coming off a sickness.
- Explain you're peaking for bigger races later in the season
- Mention that this is a "recovery ride"
-That you are on the tail end of your daily 6 hour training ride

46. When the Euro Cyclist feels the urge to relieve himself during a race, he will gracefully meander to the back of the pack, seat himself sideways on his saddle, and pee into the sunflowers. He must ensure that no cameracrew catches the act, for it could be detrimental to his image. Under no circumstances shall the rider dismount from his bike to urinate.

47. When climbing anything with a gradient above 20% and lasting over 8 kilometers, the Euro cyclist must fully unzip his jersey and let it flutter in the wind.

48. When dropping out of a race, you will avoid the embarrassment of entering the official broomwagon and will instead wait for his team vehicle. When asked why you dropped out, one will cite mechanical problems or oncoming sickness as the reason, as to avoid any bad speculation in relation to your fitness.

49. Kits will always be freshly washed, and you shall ALWAYS have applied a reasonable amount of european eau de toilette (cologne). It is, at all times, FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit, as it is extremely detrimental to your image.

50. Training wheels shall consist of Ambrosio rims (alternately, Mavic Reflex) laced with 32 spokes to Record hubs, or a wheelset of similar weight/durability/euro-style. Mavic Open Pros or Fulcrum Racing Ones may also be considered.

51. If in doubt, the euro cyclist shall mention in an interview that his pollen allergies are acting up, and that he’s not sure that he’ll win the Giro this year. In this situation, remember to note that the sensations are otherwise good, and that eventually you’ll win a beautiful stage.

52. Team-building motivational camps will be held annually in the off-season. These are to place team members in as ridiculous a setting as possible. Photos will be widely reproduced to demonstrate team cohesion.

53. During the pre-TdF medical checks, star riders of each team are STRONGLY ADVISED to play doctor with each other while shirtless. Photos taken must strive to be as HOMEROTIC AS POSSIBLE.

54. In order to avoid the harsh European winter, you shall:
-flee to the warmer climes of Mallorca/South Africa/Canary Islands/etc.
-“train the mind, body and soul” with Kreitler brand rollers

55. Stubble is advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations, especially in the case of climbing stages or important time trials during a stage race. It is important to note: this DOES NOT apply to the legs!

56. In the event ofa crash, no matter how badly the Euro cyclist has injured himself, he should proceed to mummify himself with fishnet gauze. The act of gauzing oneself is looked upon with respect by other Euro cyclists because it
is a statement of commitment and strength of character to continue racing when injured. White Gauze is the norm, but world cup striped gauze and or national colors may be worn on select occasions depending on the rider.

Should a cyclist competing in the Pro Tour be photographed in red or yellow shoes without covers more then twice they will be placed on Euro Probation pending further review.

Rules will be added as they are sent in and refined. Try to refrain from contradicting rules above. Voice your opinion and the rule might be changed or refined. If you need assistance on anything not yet listed in the official rules, post it and one of our officers will be glad to address the issue.

Last Updated October 27, 2007 by Dom.

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by Frankie - B

'Tape was made to wrap your GF's gifts, NOT hold a freakin tire on.'
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