You are a well known weight weenie, obsessed with trimming every possible gram on your bike. You have spent thousands of dollars on titanium parts for your bike. You're riding on wheels so light that if someone even says the word "pothole", you break a couple of spokes. You've thrown away your cycling computer because it's much too heavy. You find yourself wondering how much weight you could save if you peeled off your handlebar tape.
So, what's the problem? Why is it that you're still not fast enough? You still find yourself struggling up hills while your friends effortlessly ride away without you. Your sprint compares unfavorably to the service at the local post office. I can almost see the tears in your eyes as you ask, "What's left? What else can I do?"
There is a solution, but it's not for the weak-hearted. If you're serious about weight savings, read on.
Let's think about this logically--your bike is a stripped-down, bare bones, racing machine, but what about you? You've shaved pounds off a bike that didn't weigh much to begin with. Think of how fast you'll be when you shave those extra pounds off your own body!
First, start with the easy stuff, like excess body fat. "Wait!" you say, "that's not easy, is it?" I only have one word to say to you: LIPOSUCTION! Miguel Indurain has about four percent body fat, doesn't he? Well, tell the man with the fat-sucking machine to set the dial to three. Ha! Wasn't that fun?
Okay, so now you're thin as a rail, but why stop there? You spared nothing to make your bike as light as possible...Why skimp on your own body?
Do you still have an appendix? While you're at it, tell ol' sawbones to get rid of about ten feet of intestines. After all, is it really that hard to digest bananas and energy bars? I don't think so.
Do you really need BOTH of your kidneys? Does a gall bladder actually serve a purpose? Think of all the extra room you'll have for your heart and lungs!
You've gotten rid of most of the extras inside your body, so now let's concentrate on the outside. We'll start with your toes. Do you really need them? You ride your bike everywhere anyway, so who needs to stand or walk? Besides, take a look at those big hairy toes of yours. They must weigh at least 100 grams a piece. And, once you get rid of them, you can buy smaller shoes and save even more weight! This is even better than you thought, isn't it?
As long as you're looking at extremities, they don't call 'em two finger brakes for nothing, if you know what I mean.
Now it's time for a trip to the dentist. Wisdom teeth don't weigh that much, but neither did those crak arm bolts that you replaced with titanium. You might want to take those pesky front teeth too; it'll make it easier to drink from your water bottle.
Next, make a trip to the barber. Remember the 1989 Tour de France when Laurent Fignon, with his heavy and unaerodynamic ponytail, lost to Greg Lemond by eight seconds? Don't let it happen to you. Bald is beautiful and low maintenance as well!
Now that you've shaved your head, you've probably notices how those ears of yours are sticking out and slowing you down in the wind. It doesn't have to be this way. Van Gogh's paintings sell for millions these days, and he only cut off one of his ears. Fame, fortune and increased aerodynamics are only two snips of the hedge clippers away.
Well, you've done it. You can practically coast over those hills that you once thought were so difficult. Now it's time to show up for the group ride again. Boy, are your friends going to be surprised! When the entire bike club sprints away in horror after getting a glimpse of you, don't worry, you'll catch them.