not sure if this has been on here before but a mate just sent me it: and its from here: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2258201150
THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
brought to you by The Guiver/Flavell Enterprise
1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.
2. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex shorts or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's.
3. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks shall be white in colour with prominent logo placement.
4. Cycling shoes must be of white colour only!
-in certain circumstances, other colours, such as world
cup stripes are perfectly acceptable and encouraged.
-Red shoes are NOT ENDORSED by this group.
5. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn.
6. You're bike frame must contain more than 3 colours, and must always fit tastefully with your wheel selection.
7. Zipp's are to be used as training wheels ONLY. You shall race only on Lightweights and occasionally Bora's if no lightweights are accessible.
8. Ridiculously stylish eye wear is to be worn at all time without exception.
9. In most circumstances, hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit.
10. In several cases, it is deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet shall not be worn. Stylish sport eyewear shall be worn at all times while exercising this option.
11. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is banned,
the tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.
12. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken with the euro-rider wearing team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as puma's). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. The rider is expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophy.
13. The seat shall ALWAYS be white along with the handlebar tape, and must be made in Italy or France.
- Exceptions to this rule are seats or handlebar tape
containing the following colours: WorldCup Stripes,
Olympic Gold, Italian flag colour combo (green red
14. You shall not, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than $4000 USD in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.
15. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. In some cases, certain hair removal creams endorsed by succesful euro's are deemed to be acceptable.
16. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.
17. Facial hair will be restricted to a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED.
The only exception to the facial hair shall be SHORT sideburns--these are acceptable at the discretion of Cipo or a similar authority figure, on a case-by-case basis.
18. Ceramic bearings shall be used at all time on both training and race bikes.
19. Campagnolo shall be the only acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted.
20. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.
21. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.
22. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking).
23. You shall never rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.
24. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you shall ride up uncomfortably close to them and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves. (Which must be white)
25. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey (This should be always) special gloves will be made to match the colour of the jersey while blending the team kit colours simultaneously.
26. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the trunk of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm/head are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.
27. Training is based solely on feel while racing is be guided by sensations and instinct. A real Euro cyclist never gives in to scientific training methods.
28. Gearing is restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. One shall never be seen pedaling at a cadence over 90 in case it detracts from his calm/smooth factor. The use of 25t cog is acceptable in special training circumstances.
29. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to ones home country’s flag located on the top-tube within 10 cm seat-tube ON ONE SIDE ONLY.
30. Pedals MUST be either Speedplay, Time, or Look. No other pedals are to be considered and ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. If one is found possessing Shimano pedals, title of euro cyclist will be stripped immediately.
31. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all).
32. All pre and post-race activity will be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massage, interviews, and looking fantastic) leaving one in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up your enviable tanlines or pose for photo’s.
33. Post-race, you must be utterly tied to your mobile phone, making endless calls to your incredibly attractive euro-girlfriend or important executives from modelling agencies. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.
34. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of the bike.
35. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit, in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.
36. White bar tape shall be kept in pristine white condition and NEVER extend further than 3cm past the hoods (exception during spring classics, where standard bar tape wrapping is allowed). This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.
37. Motivational music during training MUST consist of Late 90s house and power ballads, or deep-trance hard-style German techno hereby known as euro beats. NO EXCEPTIONS.
38. Nothing short of a naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) will be used. The only exception is special edition 24k gold cages which can be preferable in some situations (such as photo shoots or prologues) where colour coordination is key (this is always). Ex. Gold Cage with Olympic Gold/white team kit.
39. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.
40. While soloing in for a victory, you will ensure your jersey is fully zipped and straight, so all title sponsors are clearly visible. You will then smile and flex arms while pointing skywards. The projection of ones fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.
41. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor’s products, one shall appear either fully nude or in full Armani 3 piece suits. Smiling is prohibited in these instances.
42. When riding, under the helmet, a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn (depending on the hairstyle). The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques WILL be worn at all time in place of caps.
RULES BELOW THIS LINE ARE NOT FINAL, AND NEED REFINEMENT/OPINIONS
Dugast tubulars are the only appropriate rubber for your Lightweights.
One shall remove all excess from frame when in the mountains (M Rasmussen's stipulation at the 2005 TDF).
While training a Tag Heuer or other suitably classy watch shall be worn at all times.
Nokon cables are to be used as much as possible.
Additional parts/accessories should be produced by: AX Lightness, Tune, Schmolke, Walser, or Swissstop.
Stem stack height is critical. The stem of a true Euro shall be slammed down all the way to the frame. Stems shall also be aluminum as with bars, aluminum.
Bars should be classic, shallow drop. Deda newton oversize stem, deda shallow classic bar is preferable.
Other brands that work are:
ITM, Pro, stella Azzura, Fsa, cinelli
A one-piece carbon bar-stem combo is equally acceptable.